dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
