Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
