I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
