i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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