i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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