I think i peed on brittanys purse
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers