even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
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She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.