my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
