Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.