I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.