someone owes me an orgasm
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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