Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
