I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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