last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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