I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
