Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
