And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
