Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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