now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
