Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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