I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
