hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
