I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
