i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
