Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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