Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
