i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
