I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
