i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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