My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
