I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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