You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
