The maid of honor just puked.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
