Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
