This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
