my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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