ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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