Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
