I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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