Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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