ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
