I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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