And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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