Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
