Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
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My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
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It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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