I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
