you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
