Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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