maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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