we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
