does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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