Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
