Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
