Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
