Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
