you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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