If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
