he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
