I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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