I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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