I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
