the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
